Wednesday, November 26, 2008

A Letter For Grandma

Dear Grandma,

It's already been two years.

I remembered last week when I was invited for dinner at the Wharf with some colorful guests. It was fish affair - steam fish, roast lamb, vegetables, curry fish and etc.. I thought for one moment I was at home, but the reality is that you were out there to remind me of the home cook food that I have not eaten for two years already.

I remembered the steam fish -it was like back home, where there's steam fish for dinner. I yearned to go back home for more than three weeks but the burden of work on the entire department forced me to postpone the trip to home three times.

Atmosphere in the department and office is pretty grim and sombre in the last few days. I was in a real nervous mood. The department had to work past normal hours, that's fine, but the grim warning is circling around: we had three policy components to deliver in good condition by end of grace period or the whole department gets fired. That even means me, my buddies and even my manager Vasem. I came back from toilet when he scolded my senior. I was freaked out. I had some chest pains probably because of overexerting myself. I was kicking myself hard, frantically trying to finish everything in time, but I look at it is unfair for everyone.

For a few times today I beg to either God or find a guy after work hours to help me through. But I wasn't happy or satisfied really. I don't what will happen in the next week or month or so. Losing a job at this point of time isn't right for all of us. We all felt the heat. I wasted a few hours over one problem whereas I wanted to use it to do something else that I am comfortable to handle with.

I could only turn to Ma for words in the last two days. I wanted to talk to someone close to me physically, not by phone, not by mail. And there was some feeling of anguish inside me for sometime. Apart from cousins or colleagues or friends, there's no one to turn to physically.

In one movie I watched, the protagonist said, "God does not speak to me, even on top where Christ was crucified." I was unsure whether I was put to this mess for my mistakes or there are things I do not want by was forced to do so. Look, I don't want to end as a recession casualty..the company has to reduce headcount because of the recession thing. On second thought I thought the Big Man was trying to tell me keep stocking my money. Forget about buying a desktop computer that I've waited for so long.

How I wish if God or you could speak to me and help me out. And yes, I am not speaking to you physically but instead I am speaking to a headstone in a temple where you are r.i.p. You were gone for two years already - things could be different if that is not the case.

It's pretty restless now. I only wish that tomorrow would be really better than today.

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