Saturday, June 9, 2007

Stressed, Depressed and Lonely

This is more or less a personal issue that I just could not stand any longer. I just simply cannot hold it in my heart anymore. The more I start to hold it, I just start to feel more depressed, anger boiling up and I start to have the bubbles of hate popping out at anytime I just simply press the red button.

Throughout the week I felt very stressful. I was given the kind of work that I could find no way out to finish it. The moment just keeps reminding me of what happened about three weeks ago. And then I just made an honest unintentional mistake that I just keep feeling that I might get an immediate reprimanding from a perfectionist superior who does not understand the term of flexibility at all. All the time I just keep feeling that was no support from anyone - any kind soul or a good Samaritan - that at least can ease my daily pressures. It's like I am cursed not to receive any help from any quarter at all no matter how hard I tried. Alright, I tried to find solutions out to problems, but I felt that shouldn't that problem be solved immediately rather than coming out with the answer two days later?

I just keep feeling that there are many invisible eyes watching around me, waiting to pound on me the moment if I look at somewhere else except myself.

See, from that I just feel depressed every day of this week I come back from work. I just really wanted to go AWOL from work or expect one day I fall ill from fever or something. But I didn't fall ill at all. I don't really know what to say now. It's just that I lack of something - maybe faith? - maybe support, maybe will ?? to propel me past this struggles. It's like struggling when I am alone with no help at all. Am I fated to go into each situation like this? Does this always happen to me every time when June or July happens? Some astronomical event that I don't believe in that always hit me every year?

On the other hand, I was invited to attend my colleague's wedding at the end of the month. Congratulations to them. I just asked my dad's friend how much do I have to put out for the red packet's monetary value. That's alright. But when I looked at them, when do I have the chance to be in that situation? Do I only get when I am after 30+ or maybe not at all? The more I see other people with their partners, the more I start to envy them. I could think of bashing the guy and taking over his place.

But in order to go to that stage, I must complete the first to settle down. But now, I am still not completely reached to that level totally on my own. I can't do everything on my own for God's sake! If there's something bad that's going to hit me so bad, I fear all effort that I've tried hard to put in goes up in the smoke in the flash - something that I should not deserve and should be avoided. It's not easy to rebuild it from scratch. I beseech God's divine assistance to help me through this. Do I see as a tribulation of sorts?

:-( ;-(


  1. A friend of mine once looked to heaven and asked, "God if you're real, show me." It was an honest question. The following week in many different ways, she got an honest answer.

  2. There is always hope and god is watching you from far away. Seek for great advice in your problems and try not to keep them in yourself all the time. Your friends and family are the best to reach for. Have faith in yourself like how god have faith in you.

  3. Hi Melvin,

    You seemed to be under a lot of stress lately (especially job-related). Will be praying for you. Still looking forward to our meeting next Saturday morning for breakfast. Perhaps it's about time to think of a career change or something like that?

    Call me anytime to talk. Exam's over (finally)...



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