Stressed, Depressed and Lonely

This is more or less a personal issue that I just could not stand any longer. I just simply cannot hold it in my heart anymore. The more I start to hold it, I just start to feel more depressed, anger boiling up and I start to have the bubbles of hate popping out at anytime I just simply press the red button.

Throughout the week I felt very stressful. I was given the kind of work that I could find no way out to finish it. The moment just keeps reminding me of what happened about three weeks ago. And then I just made an honest unintentional mistake that I just keep feeling that I might get an immediate reprimanding from a perfectionist superior who does not understand the term of flexibility at all. All the time I just keep feeling that was no support from anyone - any kind soul or a good Samaritan - that at least can ease my daily pressures. It's like I am cursed not to receive any help from any quarter at all no matter how hard I tried. Alright, I tried to find solutions out to problems, but I felt that shouldn't that problem be solved immediately rather than coming out with the answer two days later?

I just keep feeling that there are many invisible eyes watching around me, waiting to pound on me the moment if I look at somewhere else except myself.

See, from that I just feel depressed every day of this week I come back from work. I just really wanted to go AWOL from work or expect one day I fall ill from fever or something. But I didn't fall ill at all. I don't really know what to say now. It's just that I lack of something - maybe faith? - maybe support, maybe will ?? to propel me past this struggles. It's like struggling when I am alone with no help at all. Am I fated to go into each situation like this? Does this always happen to me every time when June or July happens? Some astronomical event that I don't believe in that always hit me every year?

On the other hand, I was invited to attend my colleague's wedding at the end of the month. Congratulations to them. I just asked my dad's friend how much do I have to put out for the red packet's monetary value. That's alright. But when I looked at them, when do I have the chance to be in that situation? Do I only get when I am after 30+ or maybe not at all? The more I see other people with their partners, the more I start to envy them. I could think of bashing the guy and taking over his place.

But in order to go to that stage, I must complete the first stage..able to settle down. But now, I am still not completely reached to that level totally on my own. I can't do everything on my own for God's sake! If there's something bad that's going to hit me so bad, I fear all effort that I've tried hard to put in goes up in the smoke in the flash - something that I should not deserve and should be avoided. It's not easy to rebuild it from scratch. I beseech God's divine assistance to help me through this. Do I see as a tribulation of sorts?

:-( ;-(